Sunday, October 27, 2013

Liebster! is that a word even or..?

So I was (graciously) awarded with the Liebster award many months ago, but unfortunately got rather down about my life which, come on ladies, allows no time for blogging.
However, the very person who bestowed this award onto my peasantry… *catch in the throat*…
Has officially given me faith in humanity and all other previously intolerable things *tear rolls down cheek*
So I would like to thank Kate <3 for her nomination and sisterly love… I will now break my procrastination streak (which, no lie, postponed this acceptance speech these many a month), for my sweet lil sis, without whom I’d be swinging from a metaphorical noose by now.
The official Rules of this very official award: (ahem)

    You must share 11 things about yourself.
    Answer the 11 questions that your tagger has given you.
    Choose 11 other blogs for the nomination.
    Leave 11 questions for your nominees.
    Lastly, thank the person that nominated you and link back to their blog.

Alright buckle up, we’re taking the rickety roller-coaster into my mellifluous cognizance.
JK I don’t even know what those last two words are really.
1.    I am completely dependent on some Aussy whom I’ve deemed my “Lil Sis”, whose Email correspondence I think we’ve covered? Yeah? Kay. She’s important.
2.     I’m not academically smart enough to acquire my own enormous goals.  Some days I’m not even sure I want what I say I want. So no progress in that particular region as of today.
3.    My mother doesn’t believe in love. She doesn’t believe in luck. She is a self-proclaimed cynic and sometimes I wish I didn’t feel like I had to lie about my aspirations on the less… “Going to happen probably” side.  Because I really respect my mom and I don’t want her to think I’m a silly little girl.
4.    I’m turning seventeen this march.  One Email from lil sis ago, and I would have told you I’m severely disappointed in myself and all of the nothing I’ve accomplished. Really though.. I have a lot to be proud of. I haven’t done much toward my “future” but maybe I’ve done a lot of prep work toward my path. When you think about it… It is all “mind forged” (yes, I just quoted someone much younger than me. I regret nothing.) Who cares if I spend my nights watching Clubland and Bob’s burgers?  that’s who I am.
5.    I’m starting to realize that things aren’t going to be exactly how you dream they would be, and that sucks , but also I know I can get pretty damn close, and It’ll be that much sweeter when I get there. So, I’m okay for now. 
Not too shabby.
6.    I am home schooled and consequently get probably a fifth of the social life of a normal teenager. I really appreciate people when I meet them, and I find myself entirely too sensitive in that regard. Like every person I meet with a mildly upsetting story and I’m a ball of empathy. Also when I see people sitting on a statue in  Germany, I think about them months later, especially when they have a very knowing look about them, like they’re about to say something hilarious but they keep it inside, like some genius.
7.    I’m still working on my voice as a writer, which I’m beginning to realize is code for I’m still tring to find my voice as a person. I mean UI have one, and it seems to be adequately loud and opinionated, but I hate how I come off, and I would love to meet someone exactly like Gatsby who “understands a person and believes in them, exactly how they want to be understood and believed in”, old sport.
8.    I cried at the end of that movie.
9.    Until I saw that no one else in my family was crying and I straight up absorbed those tears into my skin before anyone could see.
10.    I haven’t the slightest Idea what I’m going to be when I’m a grown up. And also, I’m tired of telling people “lawyer” when they ask me that.
11.    I am so tired lately. Usually I wish that things would just go back to the way they were when I was three. It was the only time I felt safe and happy, ever since then I’ve sort of been juggling between the two- though maybe that’s the fun of it. I am always on my toes, at least. And I’ve learned FROM MY Europe trip that you can find comfort in constant change, its exhilarating even, at times. That’s life though right?

The 11 questions my lil sis concocted and bequeathed unto me-

    What is your favourite candle scent?
GLOL I think I actually told you this already- fluffy towels.
(disclaimer *that scent does not have any correlation to me as a person.)
    What celebrity to you want to be your sibling?
Yikes… I kind of want to be the celebrity sibling… heh.
    How many countries have you been to?
Only Three ;___;
    What is your favourite cartoon?
Does anime count? Ouran high school host club/soul eater
    Where would you rather be right now?
I would say the Czech republic but I’m actually feeling France now… or maybe Italy. I don’t know Europe.
    What is your least favourite colour?
You mean color. Vanilla.
    What is the most annoying song on the radio at the moment?
“what does the fox say” It is also my favorite song on the radio right now.
    What was the best decade of the twentieth century?
mmmm…. The earliest- around Downton Abbey times. (BTW, these questions are so you, it’s hilarious.)
    What is the funniest word you know?
Tomfoolery – hands down
     Would you ever shave your head for charity?
Yep. I shaved my head two years ago because I had dred locks and I discovered that’s gross. (albeit cute(when decorated with sea shells and stuff))
    When was the last time you drank milk?
This mornin’. Probably around 8 o’clock.

My questions:
1.    If you could be on a different plane, in a different dimension, what color would the sky be and why?
2.    Name a person you would definitely not enjoy having coffee with.
3.    So now you’re having coffee with this person, what are they criticizing you about?
4.    Would you rather have braces for eyebrows (you can pick the color), or another iris right on your nose?
5.    What T.V. show do you wish you could watch without giving them your view?
6.    If you could pick one animal to evolve and become as intelligent as humans, which would it be?  (cant pick dolphins or sea sponges; they’ve exceeded us)
7.    If you could pick your legacy, what would it be?
8.    What would you engrave on your epitaph (assuming you are to be buried and not cremated or turned into a diamond or whatever?)
9.    Fav poet?
10.    Favorite aspect of childhood?
11.    trait you look for in people. (not including physical attributes)

Nom-Noms!
Anevay
http://riotgirlpower.blogspot.com
Gwendolen
http://theirfancies.blogspot.com/
Chloe
http://rhinestonemoon.blogspot.com/
Flossa
http://www.whimsicalprocrastination.blogspot.co.uk/
Sophie
http://plainlysophie.com/
Jena
http://jfates-and-fables.blogspot.com/
Aida
http://sunshinesuperwoman.blogspot.co.uk/

Sorry this is only eight! ;___; I’m tired and it’s dark out

Thanks so much, again to my lil sis for everything and everything and everything. 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

This is what makes us girls.


I have already changed there topic of this post around three times in my head, just in the time it took for the "new post" page to load. So I guess the right thing to do here is to tell you this wont be my best. I am really tired, its late, schools pluuuu, as well as my current life stream- pluuu.
(that's I think me blowing a raspberry)
I'm wondering about transcendentalism right now, it seems to be the one thing I have an opinion on quickly. If you were like, so transcendentalism, I could get going, for real.
Its everything my parents have made their religion, and consequently mine for the longest time. But there are newer parts that I'm really into like the whole in love with childhood standpoint.
mine lasted about 16 years, so I can give a real awesome first had interview should anyone ask for it.
however, like most of my conversational topics that I really want to talk about, no one's listening. I want to tear out my head. I listen to their crummy theories.
Why do I want to be heard so badly, isn't that like super pretentious. < no question mark, it was rhetorical. Also, I already know the answer... wait I think that's what rhetorical means.
Anyway, transcendentalism, right?
I love Lana del ray, BT dubs.

Friday, September 6, 2013

But you're so hot that I melted

So today I had another cold sweat, self dubious, maybe everything I've done is a waste, maybe it wont turn out ok, moment.
It creeps up on you every now and then, maybe I'm not a perfectly unique snowflake of beauty and genius and everything I want it to be, maybe I actually am just this normal person who needs to get her normal head out of the clouds and smell the coffee of life.
Naivety is so fragile, it is the glass heart on your sleeve, more often then not it gets broken, shattered beyond repair never to be felt again. And if that's not scary enough for you- the fact that you'll never feel like an open doorway dripping with opportunity, maybe this will be- you might die more or less as you started, you might end up having totally wasted your life and everything with it because you wanted it to be something that it wasn't, and now it's nothing.
I'm so afraid. And it seriously depresses me sometimes. I just dreaming, I'm so addicted to the wide open world, the "there's still time for you" mentality.
The glimpses of hope I see on occasion when reading something from someone like me who's making a name for themselves in a way that's so there own, and I want to be a part of it, but here's the thing, what If Im just not good enough? What if its just a pass or fail kind of thing, like something you have to be born for, and what if I'm not. And yes, the time Im wasting on this post could be spent doing something progressive and yet, here we are.
I know this is such a taboo thought, especially for me, you're not supposed to same "maybe I'm just not them", But I'm so afraid. And shouldn't I be fearless or something? Ready, in some way?
Shouldn't I have mountain of faith in myself and my path?
Than why did this guy I don't even know just assume I had "a grim future", he meant it jokingly, but I realized, that's what I project onto people. I make myself seem stupid so that an expectation of intelligence isn't thrown onto me. Something that I seem to be quite positive of my failing.  For some reason, "the kid representing her sucky millennia" is the person I allow myself to be. Instead I should be proving to them that we have a good future and that we can be as brilliant as anyone, but for some reason I think older people WANT to believe that the world ended with them not being a part of it, and I let them think it. I just don't want to be open to ridicule and I tend to feel like If I steer clear from expectations no one will pay me any attention. But that's just not what I want for myself. I want to be questioned, and able to give a formidable response. But I cant. I really don't know how to end this, I just need to do some serious soul searching. I feel like Im entering a really influential part of my life, and Im scared.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

So it's been a while since I've tried to post something, its actually not been that long since I've written though. But it would be a messed up world if I posted everything I wrote.
Right now I'm being very thinky, I'd like to know more people
I find people to be very interesting
My mom is sort of an introvert aspirer, she tends to send bad connotation vibes attached to the entire world of social
Which is really a shame, because I sometimes can't talk to her about my love of people when it comes down to it
Have you guys heard about the labyrinth theory thing? blew my mind- seriously im not posting this to post it, you will love it if you've seen this movie, don't be lazy, do it. do it.
Next,
 I'm starting to wonder about daily recording... my faith is shaking. Though yes, its great to get into the habit of it just in case it just so happens that someday, somehow, you life gets interesting and note worthy. And then you already write all the time anyway so its like yeah. I think my next post I'll turn in my Prague major events list that I rapidly penned in at the coliseum hotel, it seems time. Id write more introspectively if I could but its like documentation was all I could manage

Friday, August 9, 2013

From the germy keybored of Boulder City nevada's own, Public Library

So here we are folks.
Im back in the U.S., quite officially. I will be caosting on old journal exerpts of non live, but super fantastic events that happend and werent posted due to extreme busy european-ness. However, I am here. And not there.
But this it isnt it? The beginning of my life has come and gone, now I'm at the start of something new. I am apprehensive I guess but Im sort of ready. I always thought I was ready when I was sitting doing nothing in Oklahoma... Just lying in my bed all day. But now I sort of know that all of this had to happen first. I really, really was naive. I took so much for granted.
I really do feel so different. Which seems like a hollywood thing to say.. "here I am at the end of my trip, here's how it changed my life"
The thing is, It was gradual. I didnt even notice until now, 7until time for reflection, how much I have to be proud of now. Ive gone through alot of personal barriers, Ive faced change in all of it's terrifying forms, I've pushed myself further than I thought possible, I always found time to think
And I came out of it alive. I'm not even close to done living, and growing and changing, but now I know that Im ready for it. Im so done being just safe. Neither here nor there, constant limbo. Thats not what I want for my life. I WANT to push myself, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror, the way I have been latly, and just be proud. I don't want this feeling to ever ever fade. Im really just happy.
Thats saying alot actually, as there is some guy using the public computer to the immediate right of me, who is pointing, infuriated at his computer and mumbling about whoever or whatever it is his face is inches away from right now.
It's as if my aura right now is just like "life. Come at me bro."

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Farewell powdery paradise

8/ 5
okay I don't know what I thought I was going to write just now, but I'm having lots of thoughts, ones that I don't want to fall away.
its a weird thing growing up, where imagination  becomes less fulfilling, and you just need something real-er
something sustainable, or 3D. But the thing is, there are these glimpses that arise, randomly. These visions of other lives and daily events. Ones that evoke empathy or desire, make you curious. Or they make you feel odd. Like what did I just see?
I like to imagine what my life would be like If I were born Italian. In Italy. With my friends whom Ive known since infancy. The exasperation of walking around the same town, in the same house meandering around some sort of European suburbia outside of Florence. When would that take off? I kind of think I would like roots. I don't really have any place I would connect with the Hollywood creation- "home". there's too many qualifications I just couldn't hit.
I really want to see new things, but I also for some reason find the prospect of ONE thing, and only one thing very intriguing. like how bamboo grows significantly taller, it reaches for the stars, while the ferns is stout, but when a storm hits, it becomes clear that the roots of a bamboo shoot where not made for long term survival, while the fern lives on.
I think that friendships can be a tricky prospect on those terms as well. I am already past the point where I could have someone by my side because they have to. Its not like I know anyone who shared was there since forever, friends are sort of a fair weathered event for me. But I want that to change. But I don't know how that could possibly change.
I suppose I attach myself to the first person I find. Life is infinite. I cant believe how fast one thing turns into another. I saw a quote today that said "I am because we are" I like to think of myself as a part of the species I can be so proud of sometimes. Or rather curious of. I would like to see into another life or two. The Hauer's has been interesting. It leaves me thirsty for more. They're not so different as to sustain that for very long. It is something acquired over time; the understanding of a lifestyle, but I find it too fascinating. I lose interest in the first after a week and want desperately to see another.
I want desperately to be a part of another. I want to be a part of many. But that is contradictory.

Monday, August 5, 2013

there was this draft.. Subject header "Good Evening."

I wrote this, and was going to send it to my mom in 2011, at three in the morning. I don't remember writing it, I found it in my drafts this morning. Its been gathering dust. I still haven't sent it
I was going to fix all of the spelling errors but I sort of love the original format.

Ma'am. As it is, I could sail off, so to speak, and leave you all behind. My age prevents me from doing so. Also I believe, there are certain obsticles to leaveing one world to face another. It would be interesting to see where a random path in a random country would take you if it were a predetermined course. I mean, do you think there was a design to the way your life has gone? you've come along way from infancy, but do you feel like you've let something fall? have you any regets that you would change if you could? perhaps an opportunity that you didn't take, or an opportuntity that you shouldn't have taken but did. If it was pre determined that opportunitys would be presented to you, than it would be okay no matter what path you took right? or is it all, your paths presented the road you'd choose, the out come. I like to think it's completly in my control. My life and everthing in it. Because if it isn't that means, we all have a loop, a loop we're born in a loop we'll die with. But that presupposes of course that there is in fact a supreme designer. Which could be true.
Think for me. Is it life that hold us, rather than us in control of life. This messege is the beggining of the rest of you're life from this point to infinity. You could make of it what you want but something always stops us from moveing on past what we believe we were meant to be. I want something else. I want a life with the sun. A drop of intfinity- a life where I don't email you raveings because I have no other outlit. I suppose you have to be in a m,ood to understand another person's raveings.. you have to be equally pumped about whatever subject ther're presenting, so I honestly have'nt the slightest idea what you'll make of this. I'm just hopeing it's another thing that you'll remember me for.